...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We just shotgunned beers for America
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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