You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
