I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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