Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
