i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
