And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
