mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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