He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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