I met the friendliest cop last night
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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