my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
