you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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