What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize