Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
