farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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