I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
