Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
either way he was missing a nipple.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
