just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All the doctor said was why
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
