Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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