That's intense
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize