I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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