this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
