I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
zippers are such a cool invention
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
