you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
