I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
