Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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