dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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