this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
