I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
