I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
