Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All the doctor said was why
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
