Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
