Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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