Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize