Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
