The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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