M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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