Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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