haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
