It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm at about main and main street
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
