I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
