genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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