Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
