I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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