There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
