Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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