we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
