I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
