Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
