haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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