i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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