I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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