i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
