Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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