I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
