A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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