guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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