i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
