i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
