A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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