i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
