she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
