My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
